You have run up against one of the customization limits of many of the small market, hosted CRM solutions. To solve your problem correctly, you are going to have to move up to a more robust CRM solution -- something like Pivotal, E.piphany, Onyx, PeopleSoft, or SalesLogix. You need the ability to define your data model and relationship rules. The work-arounds you described can work for a while, but in the long run you will remain disappointed and will likely not satisfy your firm's business goals.
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